Friday, December 7, 2007

Don't Forget to Flush

Yesterday we woke up to find that we had only one roll of toilet paper left.

Most people might think, "So what's the big deal?" But it was a national holiday, which means nothing, absolutely nothing is open (except bars and restaurants, because people need to eat and drink - especially drink, it seems), and there are five people living in this house, three of whom know no limit to toilet paper use. They've actually managed to clog the pipes with the stuff in the past and even though we tell them to use only what they need, their idea of what they need and ours are quite different (one would think they're trying to soak up Lake Michigan from the quantities they use, but they haven't admitted to it so far).  I considered asking The Frogster to send some over, since he seems to have a surplus, but I figured the stores would be open before it ever got here, so we crossed our fingers and hoped to last out the day and go out and buy more in the morning.

For some reason the whole thing brought back memories of when I was a kid and we used to visit my grandparents in Holland.

Yes, I have toilet paper memories, don't you?

As soon as they knew we were coming, they would stock up on the cheapest toilet paper they could find, because my sister and I were notorious toilet paper wasters (now I know where my kids get it from - there's a specific gene for toilet paper wasting). I can still remember that scratchy grey paper that left our tender tushies in pretty bad shape.

I couldn't find a picture of it (the toilet paper, not the tushy) so I posted one of normal toilet paper. Needless to say, the stuff my grandparents bought didn't look a thing like that.

It's a wonder that the pipes didn't back up all the way to the next town because the stuff was amazingly thick. It always reminded me of that writing paper we used to get in grade school, the kind made of rough paper with the lines printed horizontally, that every so often our pencils got stuck on, because of a chunk of thicker material. And if you tried to erase something, you ended up rubbing a hole into it in spite of the thickness (I'm sure there must be some scientific reason behind it, but beats me if I know what it is). Why is this sounding so familiar? I'm sure someone has blogged about this before (I just can't seem to shake this feeling of blogĂ  vu). Anyway, our butts suffered, and I think once I asked if all the toilet paper in Holland was like that, and my mom cleared the matter up, telling me that we used too much.  But that didn't stop us until we had to start buying our own. And if our kids don't stop using so much toilet paper, we may have to resort to buying that very same stuff.

Hear that kids?

On another ass-related note, we were watching yet another episode of Friends the other day, when Chandler made a joke about Uranus and my husband thought this was hilarious. This just isn't funny in Spanish, because it doesn't make any sense, so now that we can see the show in English (thanks to the wonder of digital TV) we actually get the jokes. Anyway, I told him that this used to be a big joke in junior high, which the boys found especially funny (okay, we girls did too, but we pretended we didn't). And then I got to thinking about junior high, and I remembered there was a guy whose name was Ahson Butt. I haven't thought about him in ages, and all I remember was that he was a very strange boy, but then again who wouldn't be with that last name? The poor guy really was the butt of everybody's joke.

 Aren't kids cruel (and the bloggers who blog about it too)?

I dragged out my old yearbooks and had a look, and what do you know, we all looked about as goofy as Ahson Butt (even the kids voted best-looking). I guess time puts everybody in their place, but I at least I hope Ahson changed his last name.

Oh, and if you're interested, we made it with only one roll, and we didn't even have to resort to tearing up our bathroom reading material and using that instead. And if you're looking for reading not of the bathroom sort (unless your laptop accompanies you to the loo, and if it does I really don't want to know), the new entries will soon be up over at The Great Quill Driving Competition. But you still have time to submit something yourself, so hurry and write something quick, there's a great prize at stake.


  1. I remember hearing my husband going upstairs to see one of the girls at about the age of three getting toilet paper for wiping...his incredulous and horrified wail will never leave me,

    "That's enough to wipe an elephant!!!

  2. i can remember swearing as a child that when i grew up i would only soft tissues (i was a bad allergy sufferer) and cushy toilet paper. i have stuck with that. i think you shoudl resort to cheap horrid tp for the kids if they keep wasting and keep the cushy stuff in reserve for you an hubby

  3. "but that didn't stop us until we had to start buying our own"

    maybe it stopped you. I think perhaps Mem explained to YOU why your Grandparents bought the cheap toilet paper, but your Sister didn't get the message.

    Or maybe it's just a woman thing.

  4. Women use more toilet paper than guys, that's a fact. And kids use even more... yeah, I was like that too. My sister just liked to flush (or attempt to) the whole roll.

    Made me laugh when you said all the stores are closed because of am holiday... I can't remember the last time ALL the stores were closed in Canada. I'm so used to buy anythng any time... when I go to France and feel like buying soap at 9pm, every one laugh at me!:D

  5. you do NOT want to get me started on that whole "so much TP they clogged the toilet" thing.

    suffice to say having a child capable of evoking the words "he pooped a toaster" from a nurse (who's "seen it all") is someone who's seen a youngster squeeze more than his fair share of Charmin.

    i feel for ya, Theresa, i really do! : )

  6. Poor guy, Ahson Butt. What's worse is we had two teachers named Mr. Dick and Mr. Ball (seriously) and they hung out together. I couldn't walk by them without laughing.

  7. everyone has toilet related stories, it seems. I guess there is one underlying human link that puts us all on the same level :)

    we still got until midnight tomorrow to enter our writing, right?

  8. Orneta: Yeah, that's the amount I'm talking about, elephant-sized amounts, multiplied by three. :)

    Lime: We actually did look at the cheap horrid stuff yesterday, but my husband felt sorry for the kids, so we came home with a package of 60 rolls of reasonably soft stuff. In any case, they don't sell that stuff my grandparents used to get - I think that's gone forever, thank God.

    Jim: Long time, no see! So, she still hasn't gotten it? But you do have to understand that women need a little more than men, at least for number one, it's purely a surface area thing. ;)

    Zhu: As I was saying to my brother-in-law up above, women do need more paper than men. After all there's more surface to cover. Oh yeah, everything's closed here on holidays, and today is another one and tomorrow it's Sunday, so it's a good thing we went shopping yesterday.

    Neva: Wow, that's really something coming from a nurse. :)

    Scarlet: Oh, now that is hilarious! You would think they would have stayed as far away from each other as possible, but I guess friendship knows no bounds.

    Minka: There's a saying here that goes, "Del rey al Papa, de cagar nadie se escapa." (From the king to the Pope, nobody gets out of ...well, you know.) Yes, midnight tonight, since it's now the 8th, but I think it's midnight Cindra's time so that gives you a little longer. Good luck. :)

  9. We always have oodles of toilet paper stocked up. Mrs. Fab apparently was traumatized as a child because, in a house with six kids, they were always running out. So now we always have enough on hand to build an addition to the house.

  10. I splurge on t.p.

    This post was a very meandering conversational to hang out with you, girl!

    And thanks so much for the shout out!

  11. I've got a whole other box of reading material I can send you if you need it.

  12. Mr Fab: Mrs. Fab sounds like a very smart woman.

    Cindra: I just love to meander, and the shout out was well deserved. Everyone should know about your game, it's great fun. :)

    Diesel: I just did a little review for you on Amazon, so I hope that box will soon be empty. :)

  13. that is pretty funny. nothing ever closes completely in the US, something is always open, somewhere. however, I know what you mean about the tp issue. we ran out one time when we had houseguests...can you even imagine?

  14. as a proper dutchie i can send you some of that grey paper to scare off your kids if you want to..
    i am afraid it hasn't worked on mine, but ... i have a totally opposite problem with my daughter (this is becoming a gross comment and i am aware i risk being deleted. anyway)
    she does not wipe.
    meaning, we buy about 30 panties a month.
    (that's right, i am not washing that).
    hate to say it, but economy wise, it think my problem sucks more.

  15. Mr. Ahson Butt here, wondering what about me was strange. Well it was junior high and we were all going through a strange stage at that age. Anyways, thanks for remembering me, it's nice to know that, at least, my name was unforgettable. Take care.