Friday, September 28, 2007

9 out of 10 People Recommend Antisocial Commentary*

The cold has returned to Pamplona, so it looks like a great day for curling up with a book, or for writing a book review that one promised to write ages ago, but just hasn't gotten around to. This feels a bit like being in high school again, and having a deadline hanging over my head. I can still hear the teacher's voice saying, "Your report on A Tale of Two Cities is due next Tuesday."

That brings back lots of memories (although not necessarily fond ones). I really didn't like doing book reports back in high school, and I've discovered I still don't like doing them now. I did like reading the books, and I had nothing against writing per se, in fact the better part of my Senior year was spent writing something called The Saga with my three best friends. Now that was the kind of writing I liked; the only rule was that we could only write about each other, not about ourselves, which meant we found ourselves in lots of tricky situations, and we spent all our time and effort to write the others into tricky situations in return. The result, as far as literary quality is concerned, was crap, but it made our physics, economics, and math classes much more bearable.

But I digress; this post is supposed to be a book review of Diesel's new book Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police (If you don't know who Diesel is, visit him here). Since I really dislike doing book reports, and a book review is not too much different from a book report, I have decided not to write anything at all.  Instead of writing something incredibly clever myself, I have decided to hit the streets, and see what other people think about Diesel's first endeavor as an author. Here's what they had to say:

George Bush (U.S. president): I deny the existence of any entity by the name of the Mattress Police. This is a free country, and our citizens have a perfect right to remove the tags of any object in their property. We are also fighting so that people of other countries can have that same freedom. As such, I can not endorse any book by the so-called Mattress Police.
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Governor of California): After reading Diesel's book I have some great new ideas on improving Caleefornia roadways, how to deal with undocumented beings, and for implementing a new "straight" agenda. As soon as the Constitution is changed and I run for U.S. president, I'll expect Diesel to be my campaign advisor. Together we can rule the most powerful nation in the world, or at least leave 'em laughing while we try.
 
Hillary Clinton (2008 Presidential candidate): If I am elected, I will propose that Antisocial Commentary be mandatory reading in all public schools. This text contains all the necessary components for educating our youth to become well-rounded individuals: politics, use of English, social policy, archeology, driver's ed, and something about some guy called Diesel.
 
Fidel Castro (Cuban president): Carajo! You have no idea what I had to go through to get my hands on this book. It cost me a shipload of cigars and the help of the best smugglers in the world to get it past the U.S. Coast Guard. If capitalism can produce such sublime humor, then maybe it's time to swear off communism altogether.
 
Albert II (King of Belgium): We have decided to make Diesel a national hero after his selfless act of helping to stop France's unwanted touching of our country. Since he was so effective in resolving this embarrassing situation, we have offered him the position of Prime Minister, to see if he can unite this divided country and fix our current lack of government. Let's see if he can slap some sense into people.

With the help of world-renowned psychic, Uri Geller, I also managed to contact some important figures who are no longer with us, but their opinions are no less enlightening:

 
Joan of Arc (Martyr and saint): Well, burn me at zee stake and call me an 'eretic if zat isn't zee funniest book I 'ave ever read.
 


Sigmund Freud (Father of psychoanalysis): Zis man's ego is clearly larger zan his book, but zey say great zings come in small packages, and ziz book is clearly one of zem. It is not ze size of ze wave, but ze motion of ze ocean; luckily, I don't get seasick. However, I must varn prospective readers; zis book may cause hysterical laughter.
 
Douglas Adams (Well-known author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy): Belgium! Hey, you sass that hoopy Diesel? He may not know where he is, or even how fast he's going, but he's a frood who really knows where his towel is. I'm sure Antisocial Commentary will soon replace The Hitchhiker's Guide as the Universe's most popular book.


Of course, I also got at least one non-celebrity opinion:

  Harbinger the Flatulent Hermit of Hartford ('Nuff said): When asked about this book, he replied that the last thing he read before becoming a hermit was Shakespeare's obscure work "The Taming of the Screw", the last known copy of which was later destroyed when a series of hurricanes hit Hartford (thereby debunking the notion that in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen). He was so appalled by the treatment of screws in this manuscript (his view being that screws should be free and wild, and preferably in a comfy place, that he decided to become a hermit in protest. When given a copy of "Antisocial Commentary" his words were "My faith in mankind has been restored - Diesel has shown me that there are still a few loose screws out there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of lost time to make up for." He was last seen purchasing a pair of novelty testicles at a local Wal-Mart.

In fact, the popularity of Diesel's book has reached biblical proportions:

 
God (The Almighty): When I created man, I had no idea such tantalizing humor would be the result. Kicking Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden was the best thing I ever did. Otherwise, who knows, they might still be there, and I wouldn't have anything to read on my day off.


So, there you have it folks: 9 out of 10 people interviewed recommend Antisocial Commentary, and since the other one doesn't really count (after all, who cares about the opinion of a monkey that's been put into a suit and strategically shaved), it's unanimous. Diesel's book is a resounding success! If this post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to you, then you obviously need to read Antisocial Commentary - So, get out there and get your hands on a copy today.
*Disclaimer: This post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and a complete figment of the author's somewhat wild and insane imagination, and in no way conveys the views of the people mentioned in said post, nor is this blog affiliated with them in any way. In fact, the opinions presented in this post may not even be the opinions of the author, except for the fact that she thinks Diesel's book is the greatest thing since sliced bread (well, the next best thing, since you can't beat sliced bread). The fact that Diesel spent $9 to sent the book to Spain (which is nearly what I paid for it), and that he was here twisting my arm as I wrote, has in no way influenced this review, and what is said here is said entirely out of the author's own free will - Gee, it's hard typing with only one hand, could you let go a minute, Diesel?. None of these interviews have actually taken place outside of the author's head, and said author takes no responsibility for any lack of veracity thereof.

16 comments:

  1. Hah! Nice takes on the book from the departed. I especially enjoyed Douglas Adams' review. If I ever get my book published, I'll ask if you can contact Sid Vicious and Saladin to review it for me.

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  2. Sometimes I kind of enjoy slicing my own bread.

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  3. ROFL!!! Okay, Theresa, that was some good humor; good enough to make coffee travel out my nose and onto the keyboard!

    "Carajo!" said Fidel. Like my Cuban grandfather would say, "por poco me meo de la risa!"

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  4. This has got to be the best review I've ever read! Tell Diesel he owes you real money for this.

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  5. hahaha! Theresa, i happily give this review a hearty 2 thumbs up! i do believe you captured the essence of Diesel's hilarity here, and i completely agree with Quilly, that young man owes you some big bucks for this funny/fabulous review! (and by "big" i mean, at the very least, 2.) ; )

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  6. This was a really good review ! Much better than the one I used to do at school... but let's just say that Diesel is a bit funnier than Victor Hugo !

    I discovered him (Diesel, not Hugo :D ) fairly recently and I've never been disappointed with his writing and funny mind so far. He is THAT good !

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  7. Hi, thanks for dropping by my blog today....I read through yours a fair bit...what is it with the plastic wrap on the books here. I mean OMG, I already paid enough for them to eat for about 7 months, and now you want me to plastic wrap them? Even the one about the natural world that discusses the damage that we are doing?

    I am hiding under the cover of being a no-nothing immigrant and hopefully they won't nail me, I haven't wrapped anything yet....

    hehehehehehe...

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  8. I have not read Diesel much but can say that I am OH so impressed by your extensive, brilliant and creative review! DIOS MIO how long did this take you?

    Fabulous!

    I have also been catching up on the posts below and just love the pics... keep 'em coming!!! Yeah, I am greedy FO SHO!

    Que tengais un buen finde... besotes...

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  9. Excellent post review! But where is Diesel after all your hard work. I reviewed his book too awhile back and he was a comments no show. Sheesh!

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  10. I figured a belated review deserved a belated appearance. ;)

    Thanks for your very kind and amusing review, Theresa. Although you should in the interest of full disclosure tell people that I spent $9 to get the book to Spain.

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  11. Great review Theresa!!!!
    Diesel is a crack up!
    You're spins are insanely funny!
    I think you get funnier and funnier, for example the captions you come up with over there at his place! Just Hilarious!
    I think you should have made it in the top 3 again!
    BRAVO my friend!!!!

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  12. Frogster: You got it. When your book comes out, send me a copy and I'll notify the proper authorities...I mean the proper departed individuals. Slicing bread, yeah, it's relaxing isn't it? ;)

    Pavel: Por poco me meo de la risa escribiendolo. The idea came to me and I couldn't resist. :)

    Quilly: I guess Diesel and I are even now, since it cost him almost as much to send the book here as I paid for it.

    Neva: Thanks for the thumbs up. I figured Diesel's book deserved more than just any old review, but as I told Quilly, he and I are even now.

    Zhu: This is much better than what I used to write at school too, but I don't think my teachers would have appreciated a humor review of A Tale of Two Cities. :)

    Orneta: Yes, the book wrapping thing here is just crazy. I am finally finished wrapping, knowing that if I didn't, the books wouldn't even last until Christmas. I guess I'll have to wrap Diesel's book too, so it'll last through all the times it'll be read. ;)

    Miz Bohemia: Me alegro que te haya gustado. Took me a couple of days (on and off, when my kids let me). What took me the longest was checking it afterwards, and finding the pictures. I hope after this you'll read more of Diesel, because he always has something hilarious to say.

    VE: Well, it seems Diesel is just under you (if I were to say this anywhere other than in a blog comment section, it would sound pretty bad). Didn't he show up after your review? For shame!

    Diesel: Well, well, well...Who have we here? If it isn't Mr. Diesel in person! I know it took me a while, but wasn't it worth the wait? ;) I guess we're even now, and I really hope this helps your sales, so we'll have a steady supply of Diesel humor in the form of future books. And I'll stick the thing about the $9 in the post.

    Zoning: Wow, I missed you! Yes, Diesel is a crack up, and I thought only a funny review would do for his book (I hope he appreciates how hard I worked my butt off to write it). Thanks for the compliment, but I guess everybody else doesn't agree about the captions. But someday my caption ship will come in, and I too will proudly display the "In Your Face" banner. :)

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  13. brillant! you can send me two copies of the book =:-)

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  14. minijonb: I only review, I don't send. The link to Diesel is in the post, but beware, it's like entering a whole new world. If you choose the blue pill you go back to where you came from, but if you choose the red one you enter the world of Humorblogs.com. :)

    rjlight: Thanks. If you're speechless, then you should be able to eat some lovely ice cream while reading a good book. ;)

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