That brings back lots of memories (although not necessarily fond ones). I really didn't like doing book reports back in high school, and I've discovered I still don't like doing them now. I did like reading the books, and I had nothing against writing per se, in fact the better part of my Senior year was spent writing something called The Saga with my three best friends. Now that was the kind of writing I liked; the only rule was that we could only write about each other, not about ourselves, which meant we found ourselves in lots of tricky situations, and we spent all our time and effort to write the others into tricky situations in return. The result, as far as literary quality is concerned, was crap, but it made our physics, economics, and math classes much more bearable.
But I digress; this post is supposed to be a book review of Diesel's new book Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police (If you don't know who Diesel is, visit him here). Since I really dislike doing book reports, and a book review is not too much different from a book report, I have decided not to write anything at all. Instead of writing something incredibly clever myself, I have decided to hit the streets, and see what other people think about Diesel's first endeavor as an author. Here's what they had to say:
George Bush (U.S. president): I deny the existence of any entity by the name of the Mattress Police. This is a free country, and our citizens have a perfect right to remove the tags of any object in their property. We are also fighting so that people of other countries can have that same freedom. As such, I can not endorse any book by the so-called Mattress Police.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Governor of California): After reading Diesel's book I have some great new ideas on improving Caleefornia roadways, how to deal with undocumented beings, and for implementing a new "straight" agenda. As soon as the Constitution is changed and I run for U.S. president, I'll expect Diesel to be my campaign advisor. Together we can rule the most powerful nation in the world, or at least leave 'em laughing while we try.
Hillary Clinton (2008 Presidential candidate): If I am elected, I will propose that Antisocial Commentary be mandatory reading in all public schools. This text contains all the necessary components for educating our youth to become well-rounded individuals: politics, use of English, social policy, archeology, driver's ed, and something about some guy called Diesel.
Fidel Castro (Cuban president): Carajo! You have no idea what I had to go through to get my hands on this book. It cost me a shipload of cigars and the help of the best smugglers in the world to get it past the U.S. Coast Guard. If capitalism can produce such sublime humor, then maybe it's time to swear off communism altogether.
Albert II (King of Belgium): We have decided to make Diesel a national hero after his selfless act of helping to stop France's unwanted touching of our country. Since he was so effective in resolving this embarrassing situation, we have offered him the position of Prime Minister, to see if he can unite this divided country and fix our current lack of government. Let's see if he can slap some sense into people.
With the help of world-renowned psychic, Uri Geller, I also managed to contact some important figures who are no longer with us, but their opinions are no less enlightening:
Joan of Arc (Martyr and saint): Well, burn me at zee stake and call me an 'eretic if zat isn't zee funniest book I 'ave ever read.
Sigmund Freud (Father of psychoanalysis): Zis man's ego is clearly larger zan his book, but zey say great zings come in small packages, and ziz book is clearly one of zem. It is not ze size of ze wave, but ze motion of ze ocean; luckily, I don't get seasick. However, I must varn prospective readers; zis book may cause hysterical laughter.
Douglas Adams (Well-known author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy): Belgium! Hey, you sass that hoopy Diesel? He may not know where he is, or even how fast he's going, but he's a frood who really knows where his towel is. I'm sure Antisocial Commentary will soon replace The Hitchhiker's Guide as the Universe's most popular book.
Of course, I also got at least one non-celebrity opinion:
Harbinger the Flatulent Hermit of Hartford ('Nuff said): When asked about this book, he replied that the last thing he read before becoming a hermit was Shakespeare's obscure work "The Taming of the Screw", the last known copy of which was later destroyed when a series of hurricanes hit Hartford (thereby debunking the notion that in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen). He was so appalled by the treatment of screws in this manuscript (his view being that screws should be free and wild, and preferably in a comfy place, that he decided to become a hermit in protest. When given a copy of "Antisocial Commentary" his words were "My faith in mankind has been restored - Diesel has shown me that there are still a few loose screws out there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of lost time to make up for." He was last seen purchasing a pair of novelty testicles at a local Wal-Mart.
In fact, the popularity of Diesel's book has reached biblical proportions:
God (The Almighty): When I created man, I had no idea such tantalizing humor would be the result. Kicking Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden was the best thing I ever did. Otherwise, who knows, they might still be there, and I wouldn't have anything to read on my day off.
So, there you have it folks: 9 out of 10 people interviewed recommend Antisocial Commentary, and since the other one doesn't really count (after all, who cares about the opinion of a monkey that's been put into a suit and strategically shaved), it's unanimous. Diesel's book is a resounding success! If this post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to you, then you obviously need to read Antisocial Commentary - So, get out there and get your hands on a copy today.
*Disclaimer: This post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and a complete figment of the author's somewhat wild and insane imagination, and in no way conveys the views of the people mentioned in said post, nor is this blog affiliated with them in any way. In fact, the opinions presented in this post may not even be the opinions of the author, except for the fact that she thinks Diesel's book is the greatest thing since sliced bread (well, the next best thing, since you can't beat sliced bread). The fact that Diesel spent $9 to sent the book to Spain (which is nearly what I paid for it),