Thursday, June 14, 2007

An amazing dream

Angel: Sir, they've deciphered the human genomic code.

God: Damned Hackers! I'll have to change the password

Last night I had the most amazing dream:

Once there was a president of an extremely powerful nation, who claimed he was on a mission from God to liberate an extremely poor nation from the evil clutches of a dictator. When word of this got back to God, he was rather ticked off and decided to pay a visit to the President.


The President and his wife are asleep, and the President tosses and turns in his bed, seemingly in the throes of an unpleasant dream. He accidentally kicks his wife, who shakes him.

President's wife:
Honey, wake up. You're dreaming again.

The President mumbles something incoherent.

President's wife: Wake up.
What...What is it dear?

President's wife:
You've been having that dream about being chased by salted snacks again, haven't you?

Yeah, I really hate that dream.

They both go back to sleep. God materializes at the foot of the President’s bed.

God: Psst. Psst.
President: Hmmmnn... (Rolls over and begins snoring)
God: Psst. Wake up Mr. President. (The President keeps tossing and turning, but doesn't wake up).
President: Wha...what...what's going on? (He sits up and shakes his head to clear away the bad dream he was having.)
God: Good, now that you're awake we can get down to business.
President: (Blinks his eyes and sees a hazy figure floating at the foot of the bed) Oh, I've been dreaming again (Lies down and closes his eyes).
God: Mr. President, I truly dislike being ignored, so please pay attention.
President: (Bolts upright and rubs his eyes) Wh...wh...who are you?
God: I'm God, and I've come to clear up the whole issue about this mission you say you're on. Why are you going around saying that I sent you to invade another country?
President: Well, I prayed for you to show me the right way and that was the answer I received. Just like when you told me to stop drinking.
God: I never told you to stop drinking, and I certainly didn't tell you to invade other countries.
President: But it was so clear. If that wasn't you, then who was it?
God: Well, the Devil is awfully good at impersonations. You should see his Paris Hilton imitation...He just nails it, I tell ya.
President: But not drinking is a good thing, isn't it? So, how could it have been the Devil?
God: Oh, he just likes to mess with people's heads, and besides that way you would think he was me. So, let's set things straight - You are not to go around saying you are on a mission from God, and I forbid you to invade any more countries...But you can keep the not drinking part up.
President: But those poor people were being terrorized by a horrible dictator, we just had to do something.
God: Isn't that the same dictator that your government helped to come to power.
President: Well, technically speaking, we did give some assistance, but he wasn't supposed to take over the country. He was supposed to help us in our fight against another country and then form a democratic government. All those poor people ended up living in misery and fear.
God: Did those poor people ask you to save them from the evil dictator?
President: Well, no, they didn't directly come out and ask, but they clearly needed help, any fool could see that.
God: Ah, well, you would know more about that than I would...And now that you've "helped" them, are they any better off?
President: Oh, well right now it's kind of a chaos over there, but once things settle down everyone will be much happier.
God: So, how do you propose for things "settle down"?
President: Oh, I don’t know. We've given them their freedom, now they'll have to figure out where they want to take it.
God: Have you ever thought that you don't have the right to meddle around in other countries' affairs?
President: If we don't do something, who will? I mean, ours is the most powerful nation in the world; besides, a lot of our people have been killed by terrorists that are harbored by this dictator, we can't just cross our arms and let them do whatever they want.
God: Hmmm, by that rule of thumb, I should have killed quite a few people; after all, humans are the ones who killed my son. How would you feel if I said, "Sorry, I'll just have to wipe out humanity because you killed my son"?
President: Well, I suppose you could have done that, after all you are impotent, but I sure am glad you didn't.
God: IMPOTENT! What do you mean impotent?
President: I mean you are all powerful, so you could destroy humanity, but I hope you don't decide to do that.
God: Oh, you mean omnipotent. Yes, I am all powerful, but destroying humanity would be wrong. And, going around invading other countries and killing people is also wrong.
President: But those people don't even believe in you, so what does it matter to you?
God: It's very arrogant of you to think that your God is the only God.
President: But you're here, right in front of me, how can you not be the true God?
God: What do I look like?
President: Huh? Well, let's see, you look like an elderly man with a long white beard.
God: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Those people are really worshipping me too. They just see me in a different way; it all depends on what their minds want to see. They also call me by a different names, but in the end it's all about me. I especially like Buddha, so peaceful, and Ganesha...An elephant head, now that's imagination for you. Of course, the Greeks had their share of interesting gods too, Poseidon was particularly good...really liked that trident thing, and don't even get me started about Bacchus, talk about a fun guy! Ah yes, what fond memories....Now, where was I? Oh, yes - I don't really mind what people call me or how they worship me, as long as they believe in me.
President: But, then why don't you tell that to the world?
God: Don't you see that could never work. Then I would just become a fact, like something scientific. People wouldn't respect me anymore, they need to make that leap of faith, it's just the way the human brain is designed. I mean, look what happened when nuclear energy was discovered, what did man do? He went out and made a bomb to kill his own kind...No respect, I tell you. Some things are better left unknown.
President: But what about all the religious wars, isn't that a horrible price to pay for a little respect?
God: Even if you all stopped fighting about religion, you'd fight over something else anyway; it's just human nature.
President: But the world needs to know the truth, I can't just sit around and do nothing.
God: Mr. President, haven't you been listening? What did I just tell you about meddling?
President: I'm sure people wouldn't lose respect, I know I haven't...I'll organize a press conference first thing tomorrow morning.
God: Mr. President, I'm sorry, but you will just have to die. I just can't have my little secret getting out.
President: No, please don't kill me. Didn't you say it was wrong to go around killing people just because you don't agree with them?
God: For the good of mankind I'll just have to make an exception, besides, I really can say I am on a mission from God. I truly am sorry, mate, but that's life.
President: What will become of me? Where will you be sending me? I need to know at least that much.
God: All in good time...All in good time...

The President closes his eyes, waiting for the worse. Nothing happens. He carefully opens one eye...Nothing...He opens the other eye. He is still in his bed, and in the darkness of the room he can barely make out the shadow of his wife, who is sound asleep at his side.

President: Honey, wake up! I just had the most amazing dream. (His wife stirs, but doesn't wake) Sweetheart, wake up.

He nudges her gently...She still continues sleeping, so he turns on the light...She sits up and then he sees.........

So, what do you think he saw?

But remember, this was just a dream and nothing more than a dream....What does this mean? Have a dream analysis to find out, and then go back to sleep.

Update, 21:28: I have just been over to see The Drive-by Blogger and it seems he is a certified dream analyst, so if you have a dream you know where to go.


  1. I think he saw he was in bed with Paris Hilton (aka, Da Devil).

    And then the Devil went down to Georgia (remember that old tune?), taking the Pres with him. And then they both ran into former peanut farmer Jimmy Carter, who gave them both lessons in compassion and truly making a difference.

    The end.

  2. You nailed the dialog. Curse those salted snacks, though. I'm haunted by a giant cheeto, myself.

  3. He was in bed with a salted snack aka a giant orange-dust oozing dorito. Of course they are old and from Texas so it might have been a BBQ pringle...I cannot be sure.

  4. You can't fool me. The poor nation was France, wasn't it?

  5. Jocelyn: Eew...In bed with Paris Hilton, that is the epitome of Hell itself.

    Doug: Those snacks will get you every time.

    Variant: Great ending. That's along the lines of my original ending, but I thought it would be fun to see what other people come up with.

    Diesel: Let me guess, when you go to McDonalds you order Freedom Fries.

  6. I think this dream means that there is sexual tension in your life. Well, at least that's the Freudian explanation.

  7. Dan: Freud would even interpret mowing the lawn as something sexual, but you may be right, maybe I have an unconscious desire for the president of that powerful nation - Not! ;)

    Snay: You can never be too sure ;)