Thursday, May 3, 2007
All About Eve
After reading Diesel's enlightening post on the conversation between God and Adam about Eve eating the forbidden fruit, I (ever the diligent disciple) decided to follow the teachings of our mighty (notice I didn't say almighty) Humor Guru and post my own version of what really happened between Eve and that snake.
EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN. DAY.
Adam is sitting under a tree, scribbling something on a piece of paper. Eve approaches.
Adam: What dear?
Eve: Adam, we need to talk.
Adam: (sighs) About what?
Eve: You know perfectly well about what. You spend too much time with that animal-naming project of yours, and the rest of the time you’re off talking to God.
Adam: But Eve, the animals need names, this is important.
Eve: I’m sure it is, but we don’t spend time together anymore, you hardly even talk to me.
Adam: Eve, we don’t need to talk, what we do together is much more fun than talking.
Eve: That’s all well and good, but we hardly even do that anymore either. Is it me? Am I getting fat?
Adam: No, you’re fine. Well, you could cut down on those bananas a little, but other than that you’re great. I’m just really busy, that’s all, so couldn’t we talk about this later.
Adam: (muttering) Aardvark, that sounds good, I really have to tell God about that one. (Scribbling)
Adam: (muttering again) Platypus, am I good, or what? That’s one of my best.
Eve is about to leave, she hesitates...
Eve: Adam, what will you do when you finish naming all the animals?
Adam: (looking up from his work) Oh, well I was thinking about inventing a game or something.
Eve: A game?
Adam: Yeah, you know, something fun to pass the time, I mean eternity is a lot of time to pass. I was thinking of something along the lines of a round object and some posts stuck into the ground. And the word “Goal” comes to mind, I haven’t really worked out all the details yet. Anyway, I really need to get back to work, so could you, like, go count some flowers or something?
Eve storms off in an angry huff, and sits down on a bench beneath the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. She stares off into the distance. After a time a snake slithers up.
Snake: Eve, you don’t look so hot, what’s up?
Eve: Oh Snake, I’m so depressed.
Snake: Have you tried the happy mushrooms?
Eve: Yes, those are great, but they don't seem to help. The problem is, Adam hardly even looks at me anymore. He’s not even interested in rumpy -pumpy, if you know what I mean. I’ve tried everything, putting flowers in my hair, wiggling my hips when I walk, and – nothing. He spends altogether too much time talking to God, and he even has the best job. He gets to think up names for all the animals, and what do I get to do - count flowers. Everyone wants to know what the animals are called, after all it’s not the same to come across a rabbit than a bear, but who cares how many flowers there are.
Snake: Yeah, I know how you feel. God gave the lizard legs and movable eyelids, and what do I get? I have to slither around on my belly and I can’t even close my eyes. Okay, the forked tongue thing is pretty cool, but the rest sucks. And don’t think I haven’t tried complaining or anything. God is just too busy talking to Adam all the time to listen to me.
Eve: You’re right, we didn’t get such a hot deal, did we?
Snake: Hey, I have a cunning plan. I think I know how we can fix this whole mess.
Eve: What? You mean there’s a solution to our problems?
Snake: Yeah, look, if you just eat one of those Forbidden Fruits I think everything might change.
Eve: But those are the Forbidden Fruits, God specifically told us not to eat them.
Snake: Did you actually hear God say that?
Eve: Well, no. He doesn’t usually talk directly to me. He told Adam, and Adam told me.
Snake: So, you see, technically God didn’t tell you not to eat the fruit. Maybe Adam misunderstood, maybe God told him you shouldn’t eat too much, so as not to get a bellyache.
Eve: You’ve got a point there. So, if I eat the fruit, Adam will stop talking to God all the time?
Snake: I’m not so sure about that, but God will probably stop talking to Adam.
Eve: And what’s in it for you?
Snake: Well, if God weren’t so busy with Adam, he might find some time to give me some legs.
Eve: But then you’d be a lizard.
Snake: I’m cool with that. Anything would be better than slithering around on my belly, it’s just so undignified.
Eve: Well…ok (picks a fruit, and takes a bite) Mmm, this is the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted. You should try some.
Snake: No thanks, I’m more into mice myself.
At this moment, Adam strolls up and sees Eve with the apple in her hand.
Adam: Eve! What have you done? You know God doesn’t want us to eat that fruit!
Eve: No, you mean you know God doesn’t want us to eat that fruit. Technically, he never told me anything. I mean, I wasn’t even there when he told you, so…
Adam: Eve! That excuse is just not going to cut it with God. He was very serious about this. A rule’s a rule, and he’s not big on making exceptions, it goes along with being a supreme being and all. What should we do?
Eve: Well, you know him better than I do, after all you spend most of your time talking to him.
Adam: Oh, so that’s what this is all about. But there’s no time to get into that right now, we have to think fast. Maybe we should pretend nothing ever happened, yeah, that might work. After all, it was just one tiny apple, he might not even notice. So, I’ll just casually walk away, and if he asks, we’ll just say we don’t know who ate the apple. Oh, and Eve, go cover yourself up a little, you should be ashamed of yourself for walking around like that.
Adam walks off, whistling nonchalantly.
Once God has discovered what they have done, and as they are leaving Eden...
Eve: This is so unfair! It was your man who got me into this after all. If Adam had paid just a little more attention to me, I would have never listened to that snake, who, by the way, is also one of your creations.
God: Yes, I know it seems unfair, but rules are rules. And I was never altogether happy with the whole snake idea, I should have scrapped it right on the drawing board. I knew it was bad news as soon as I laid eyes on it, but no one's perfect, even me, it's just that my mistakes are divine mistakes. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re not the only woman who will ever be mislead by a man, you’re just the first.
Eve: Well, couldn’t you just kick Adam out and leave me here?
God: No, you’d just be bored silly for all eternity alone in this garden. I also need you to keep Adam in line for me.
Eve: Well, okay, but will I at least get a better job out there, or is it going to be more of the same dumb jobs I’ve had in here?
God: Sometimes it may seem like you get all the dumb jobs, but between you and me, we both know who is boss. Your job, and the job of your future daughters is the most important of all, you need to keep the men in line, and at the same time let them think they’re in charge. It’s not an easy job, but I’m counting on you. Don’t worry, I’ll be sending my son along one of these days to make sure things don’t get out of hand.
Eve: Couldn’t you send a daughter instead? That way maybe we women could get some better jobs.
God: If I sent a daughter, the men might not listen. Men’s primitive minds can’t handle the fact that women are in charge, but having a man as a leader, now that's something they can wrap their minds around. It’s kind of like the thing about angels, they’re all metaphorical, you know. The garden, the fruit, the whole thing's just metaphorical. It's just easier for people to understand that way.
Eve: So, the suffering we’ll be doing outside the garden , will that be metaphorical as well?
God: No, that’ll be quite real. Eating the metaphorical fruit has very real consequences. But don’t worry, it'll all work out in the end, and if you play your cards right you can even come join me later on.
Adam and Eve pass through the gate
God: Oh Eve, before you go, a bit of advice. Teach your daughters to play hard to get, it works every time. (winks metaphorically)